Letting HIS vision lead me.

i have been struggling, no more like wrestling, with the Lord lately about how involved do i need to be in planning my future?

profound question no? ;)

well if that does not make sense to you then maybe you haven't experienced this phenomenon, but basically what i am getting at is what roll, if any, do i play in the course of my future?

well here's what i've gotten from the Lord---He has a plan. and He is going to carry it out no matter what I do. He would prefer me to follow on His side of things, however He is going to do what He has planned. one proverb says, "many are the plans in a man's heart but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails"

basically what God has been revealing to me is that my little illusion of control is just that: an illusion. It is not real. Yes I obviously make decisions about my everyday life and even the direction my life takes (let us not get into the free will/God's will thing) however, if I desire to live a God LED life, I cannot be the one ultimately calling the shots....not even a little bit.

i want to make sure and get to know this person so i can have that connection so i can go to this school or this country....while making connections is not bad, what is my true motivation? is it my desires or the Lord's will?

some things God doesn't micromanage, He says: seek me, love me, and don't worry.

i feel as if i am rambling. hopefully you are understanding me. because sometimes i do not understand me. :)

if something is going to happen, it will happen. not because of my manipulation or contribution, but because of God's purpose and His divine will. How dare i think that my little manipulations control the outcome of an entire situation? not giving up my responsibility for my actions...but come on....sometimes we honestly make it worse when we get our hands in a situation.

hmmm....God is teaching me to lean on Him. Trust Him for my future. Trust Him for his direction. Trust Him for my spouse. Trust Him for my children. Trust Him. Trust Him and His vision---not my limited earthly perspective.

there is it....trust His vision and not my own. Let HIS vision lead me.

this verse is basically what settled my heart, it came up twice in one day. thank you Holy Spirit:

"Unless the Lord builds a house the work of the builders is wasted.
Unless the Lord protects a city guarding it with sentries will do no good.
It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat; for God gives rest to his loved one." --Psalm 127:1-2

God give me rest.

love to the cosmos. hope you were blessed.

heller

i haven't written in a while.

and while i do not believe that there is any particular person that has been disappointed in this fact (unless you frequently check my blog...you creeper you) it is none the less a personal disappointment because i enjoy putting my thoughts onto paper...or screen rather.

and i enjoy blogging many of these thoughts for the purpose of encouraging others around me and also to keep people updated on my goings on.

not that there are a lot of goings on but i do my best to keep busy. :)

so without further ado i have no profound thoughts or insights this morning (or maybe even ever) but i do have this one fact that has kept me going this semester.

God is there.

God is present and He is not going any where. while life is crazy and things pile up. and while life changes occur He is still there. His presence does not diminish the seriousness or sadness of some of our life situations--faith does not mean you are happily drugged and numb to the world all of the time--God's presence means hope.

hope for redemption (ultimately and in this world) and a hope in his promises and plans.

Hope.

God is there and He is bigger, He is better, and He is just amazing.

all we need is HIm (please sing to the tune of the beatles all you need is love)

well to all of you reading, but mostly to those of you who are not i send out a prayer to you: find Hope in God's promises. find comfort in His Holy Spirit and stop putting pressure on yourself to make things better or make yourself feel better. just give it to God. sit. wait. live.

kisses <><

"God's Purpose of Mine?"

SO there is this grand little book by Oswald Chambers called: "My Utmost for His Highest" and it is in a word phenomenal.

It is divided into daily readings and each reading is like BAH BAM in Yo FACE AWESOME! It is just jam packed with wisdom, revelation, and truth about God. Ah I encourage everyone and anyone to get this book and just revel in the awesomeness that God has communicated through Mr. Chambers.

One particular entry, from July 28, spoke directly to the experience that has been my summer. And if you have been following my blog....(yeah if you have been then I am impressed and love you and you must be a member of my family haha) but anyways if you have been following my blog you know that this summer has been very different for me; it has been a great growing experience, but very hard (fyi: most growth has a little pain along with it). SO when I read this particular entry from "My Utmost for His Highest" it just hit me right where I was at in my summer experience. It described what I was feeling and made me examine what I'd been learning....

SO please enjoy and be blessed by this revelation. love love:

------------------------------------------------------------------

"He made His disciples get into the boat and go before Him to the other side..." (Mark 6:45)

'We tend to think that if Jesus Christ compels us to do something and we are obedient to Him, He will lead us to great success. We should never have the thought that our dreams of success are God's purpose for us. In fact, His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have the idea that God is leading us toward a particular end or a desired goal, but He is not. The question of whether or not we arrive at a particular goal is of little importance, and reaching it becomes merely an episode along the way. What we see as only the process of reaching a particular end, God sees as the goal itself.
What is my vision of God's purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish--His purpose is the process itself. What He desires for me is that I see "Him walking on the sea" with no shore, no success, nor goal in sight, but simply having the absolute certainty that everything is all right because I see "Him walking on the sea" (6:49). It is the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God.
God's training is for now, not later. His purpose is for this very minute, not for sometime in the future. We have nothing to do with what will follow our obedience, and we are wrong to concern ourselves with it. What people call preparation,
God sees as the goal itself.
God's purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now. If we have a further goal in mind, we are not paying enough attention to the present time. However, if we realize that moment-by-moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious.'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

ahhh yeah read that through once or twice more, it almost takes that many readings to really absorb all that is being said.

Even as I am typing it out, reading it again I am convicted. I focus so much on the future, and many of the things I focus on are good things, but even these good things can distract me from the now and what God is growing in me this very moment.

God says not even to worry about tomorrow, because it WILL TAKE CARE OF ITSELF. We are told to seek FIRST God's kingdom and HIS righteousness (Matt. 6:31-34). God and knowing Him has to be our goal: not the future, not college, not friends, not even family or even telling people about Christ. We FIRST have to live out and believe God's love in our own hearts, right now, before we can move onto anything else.

this ties into what God's been teaching me (see my last entry) about committing all of myself to Christ, even my emotions.

So keep going, pursue God and His love for you now this second. Don't get caught up in the "what's next" but just enjoy the "what's now". (the quotes were cheesy but so true!)

ah sorry a lot of words, a lot of thoughts, but i pray you were blessed.

with love.
writing from the journey called life.

<>< Caroline

emotions--the 1st commandment

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength." Deuteronomy 6:5

God's greatest commandment of His people is to love Him with everything we have...your heart, soul, strength, some versions have mind...alright great i got it!!!

But it hit me (hard) last night when I was reading 'lady in waiting' . that we must love God even with our emotions.

Now some of you maybe be thinking, um duh. But even though I'm pretty sure I knew that I'm supposed to love God with my emotions it just never really resonated with me the way it did last night. Every response, every thought MUST be taken captive in Christ. When I'm sad, frustrated, scared I MUST CALL THOSE EMOTIONS TO THE OBEDIENCE OF CHRIST AND HIS HOLY SPIRIT.

i think too much. so many times (most times) my mind just runs, runs wild. and most time i give into those feelings of hopelessness or depression, of fear (i gave in even as i prayed, letting those emotions control my prayers) BUT what i realized last night---God wants me to love Him with those emotional parts of me... just as much as He wants me to love Him with my heart. He wants me to love Him with my emotions, with my responses and my attitude. (so as i pray through hard situations, i do not deny those feelings but i intrust those feelings to God knowing He is supremely in control...i DO NOT diminish emotion i just realize God is there comforting me)

now does this mean that i'll always be happy happy go lucky NO. i hate this misconception that as a Christian you're supposed to be HAPPY-EVERYTHING-IN MY LIFE IS GREAT all of the time. that is not reality. and news flash there's a difference between happiness and joy.

there WILL BE HARD TIMES! Paul guaranteed us this. But in the midst of this as we honor and LOVE the Lord will all of our heart, mind, soul, strength, AND emotions--through this we can find the hope to carry on. Carry on towards a goal, the greatest goal, which is Jesus: becoming more like Him, loving others like He loved us, and spreading His word to the nations.

THAT is what drives me. not being happy or having a good feeling or wanting a spiritual experience. NO Christ and His love drive me...because I know that in Him true joy is found, and an eternal purpose is realized.

"Do not set your hearts on the world or what is in it. Anyone who loves the world does not love the Father. Everything in the world, all that panders to the appetites or entices the eyes, all the arrogance based on wealth, these spring not from the Father but from the world. That world will all its allurements is passing away, but those who do God’s will remain for ever." I john 2:15-17

love and kisses

i pray you've been encouraged, whoever you may be.

summer time

i usually (well for the past 4 summers) have worked at a christian summer camp called Brookhill Ranch. I have been going there since I was in 3rd grade and this is the first summer I will not be. (that is horrible syntax but you get the point)

as you can guess Brookhill, the staff and the campers have been a HUGE part of my life, not only as I was growing up but also as a teenager and young college student.

I was an all summer staff member for 4 years and during that time I had the opportunity to serve in a full time ministry, be under intense mentoring, and love kids as I followed Jesus. That experience has made me who I am today. So in many ways deciding not to return to camp is like closing a huge chapter of my life and opening a new one; actually it's more like finishing a volume of a large collection of books, setting it aside and going onto the next volume.

So as you can see camp has been kind of a big of a deal to me in many ways.

But even as I write this and look at the facebook pictures of campers, I know I am in the right place. I have such a limited vision for my life sometimes that all I see is what I am missing out on this summer, but what I don't see (right away) is how God's preparing me for the rest of my life through the time He's given me this summer.

I have precious time to study God's word, to pray for the staff at camp and the campers; I have time to spend with my family and time to grow patience through my summer job (babysitting ;) ). Time is something I have not had much of since I was in high school. So the idea that time is a blessing has taken some getting used to. Time to me used to be a lull in between weekend adventures at school or a preparation time to switch over from one big event to the next big event in my life. I realized that since I have been 16 years old there has never been a large span of time (aka 3.5 months) to literally do "nothing".

At first this down time was seen as unproductive nothingness. I felt weird having "nothing" to do. But in reality I had plenty to do it was just nothing "exciting" or so I thought. I have been so used to BIG THINGS and BIG TASKS and GO GO GO that I had forgotten how to just enjoy life in the day to day, over all I was very discontented with how my summer was looking.

I knew that I had to learn to find joy, contentment and purpose in my day to day life, because let's face it life is usually more "normal" than living big event to big event to big event.

I am still learning all of this and I will be learning new ways to find joy and contentment in the Lord and His plan for my life and day to day for the REST of my life BUT now that I recognize this need in my heart I can take this first big step towards growth.

hopefully all of my rambling has been a blessing to you (whoever you may be)

and i pray that as you go on your faith journey that you remain open to God's voice--that you're open to change and that you're open to an adventure with Him: Whether that adventure is stepping out of something/somewhere you love or into something/somewhere you're afraid of.

love and kisses

IN HIS GRASP <><

real life?...excuse me

so i have begun an internship/job shadow extravaganza at Little Rock Soiree magazine.

It is crazy. fun. busy. and weird.

i sit at a desk. do research. write blurbs. call people. have my own "business email" and "phone extension"....it IS just and internship and i am just doing a lot of research/calling BUT it is just kind of a wake up call being around "real" adults and "real" life.

now obviously it's not weird like "oh grown ups are so different," it's weird like "i am going to have to decide if i want to be here, in this kind of place, with this type of job in one year!!!!"

it's fine.

if i get an actual job i'll make money but do i want to do this for my life? or let's go smaller do i want to, can i do this type of work for a year? two years?----the answer is:

I have no flipping idea!!!!

i don't know if i'm cut out for this 9 to 5 thing. i think unless it was like ministry like mixing it up with people everyday i would get bored really fast .

so in this aspect of wondering and questioning this internship/shadowing is THE BOMB because it's causing me to really think about what i want to do with my future. because let's be honest---i'm a good worker, good people skills, i can write, and i'll have a college degree---i might not be able to find the best job but i'm sure i could find something (if the economy does not continue to freak)

but as i freak (much like the economy) i remember what God told Jeremiah---"For i know the plans i have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, to give you a hope and a FUTURE!"--29:11

as crazy as my life gets (and it has had it moments) God is still there--in control. even when it doesn't feel like it or look like it, even when we don't believe it.

so what i'm getting at is i am wondering a LOT about what i am going to do with my life--job, grad school, teach, missions, ministry---and as i dream and imagine God is just smiling knowing that what He has for me is perfect. because in the proverbs it talks about "many are the plans in a man's heart but it's the Lord's purpose that prevails"

so as i dream and as i seek the Lord I know his plan will be put in action through my decisions and my actions...will i mess up absolutely...will it be easy HECK NO

but it will be the best adventure ever.

and let's be honest: that's exactly what i'm looking for---an adventure.

<><

dreams infused with boredom

so there's this cool site i discovered through facebook where you can make collages with online photos
or you own digital ones---naturally i went crazy obsessive and have already made two collages

one is displayed here and it shows some of the places i'd like to travel!!! some i've already been to, others i am planning to go soon (hopefully)--some are closer than others, but each reflect God's beauty and creativity in a uniquely awesome way.

love love



(from top left to right: Paris, India, Egypt, Scotland, Africa, Austria, Australia, Russia, Ozark Mountains AR,
snowy Vermont, NYC, Korea)

here's the site if you'd like to join in the creativity: http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php

tia--this is africa

so it's friday night...my friend tabitha and I are like, "let's watch a movie tonight." so naturally we begin discussing the options and almost immediately i say, "let's watch blood diamond. I still haven't seen it yet!" and i had really been wanting to see it.

tabby is equally pumped even though we both realize this is a heavy movie to be watching on a friday night.

but we dive in. and go to "the movie room" as tabby calls it aka the study lounge with a t.v. (hahaha yes we are funny)

we start it and i am immediately intrigued by one of the main characters Solomon as he wakes up in his family hut and takes his son to school. God has really placed Africa on my heart. and I am planning on going over there after I graduate. I'm not sure for how long but I know I have to go. those are the words God has given me, "you have to go."

so because of the heart God has given me for Africa i was really excited about the theatrical representation i was now participating in (hahaha man why do english majors use such large words)

BUT if you seen it you know what is coming...oh yeah.

from down the road this huge caravan of rebels comes with guns in their hands, blasting rap music. (yeah go american culture) and there is an immediate panic in the village. Solomon and his son Dia start running towards their family hut. I'm thinking oh the rebels are going to take the men---um sortra...they just start shooting people.

everyone.

they don't stop. women and children. people are screaming. then the trucks stop, the rebels get out and little boys are with them. the boys start shooting people, killing them. and i am in shock. i want to cry but something is caught in my chest that screams, "STOP! JUST STOP THIS!" and my heart hurts. my mind races. "oh it's just a movie." no no it's not JUST a movie this actually happened. and is still happening.




needless to say we watched the movie. and it was a great movie. powerful. but only powerful if it causes people to act.

but just like jennifer conley and leonardo decaprio (yeah they were there too) discuss later in the film---what are you really going to do? you can write about it, you can feed people, but really what is going to stop all of this...a huge question.

and honestly---it will never completely stop---not until Jesus returns. but then what are we supposed to do? just sit back because well we can't change the whole world! BUT we can influence a part of it. we can love people. we can live for others, for the Kingdom.

my heart knows that if only ONE person benefits from my going to Africa: that is all that matters. that one person is enough. as long as Jesus' name is remembered.

just like the parable of the lost sheep. he leaves all the others to find one sheep. the lost coin he searches the whole house!!! for ONE COIN!!!

people are precious. and are worth it. those children in africa are worth it---and i am going to go.

i am fearfully and wonderfully made

ok sit back relax and check this out:

we tell people things all of the time...(examples):

1. you look great today.
2. you're amazing.
3. i love you
4. thank you for being there for me.
5. i miss you.
6. you're the best.
7. God loves you.
8. you rock.

ok well that is a select few and might only be limited to my own personal vocabulary
BUT
we give and give and give to others...but how many times do we sit back and soak in
what God says to us? about us?

for me--i give and give and give then have given so much there is little of me left!!!
and so i do not take the time to commune, meditate, and just be with my savior, my creator.

so today i urge you. if you are like me and find yourself to have given so much you've forgotten your own heart--
take time for you. because you're worth it. we're worth it. i'm worth it.
say that out loud to yourself. because it's true. and i'll have to say that to myself when i don't believe it
and i pray that you say it out loud to yourself when satan begins to tug at you--when you let satan tug at you.

don't believe the lies that satan feeds you. he wants you weak. he wants you sad. he wants you to not be able to
make a difference DON'T LET HIM! fight for your freedom! fight for the promise Jesus DIED FOR!!!!

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.
I came that they may have LIFE and have it abundantly."
JOHN 10:10

Jesus isn't talking about a sweet little life. he isn't talking about a lazy sit at home and think about me, myself and I life
HE IS TALKING ABOUT THE GREATEST FREEDOM, THE GREATEST GIFT, THE GREATEST ABUNDANCE IN THE WORLD!
the reason we were created! THAT is what Jesus is about,THAT is what satan wants to steal AND THAT is what we need
to be telling the world about!!! not that they are going to hell, not that they want to get to heaven....but that there is an opportunity for abundant life! this side of eternity and the next.

that is why i fight satan and that is why i will tell myself that i am fearfully and wonderfully made! because he who is in me is greater than he who is in the world.1 John 4:4

love and kisses from my searching heart to yours
may all of your wanderings lead you back to the one
who made your heart.

<><

why

why do we have to do so much this side of heaven.

work work work---school school school

but why. seems pointless in the grand scheme right?

wrong---if you're a believer is Jesus Christ....

I Corinthians 10:31 says,
“So, whether you eat or drink,
or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God” (ESV).

God is the reason (not just for the season *wink wink*) but He is the reason for everything...or He should be.

Why do we get married? why do we go to school? why do we watch movies? why do we hang out with friends?-----we are glorifying the Lord....not just in our relationships or our actions BUT in how we spend our time. in the joys we partake in. the things we watch, how we live our lives.

as dr. cochran said---you may be the only Bible your friends/neighbors/guy at blockbuster ever read.

let's take the focus off of ourselves and put it back on God.
He's the one who planned this whole thing out anyways.

ponderings

i really really love my brothers:

got two of 'em.

both younger. however both are taller. guess that's what happens when you get older.

daniel is 15 (16 tomorrow!!!)
and joseph is 18 and a senior in high school! (he is pretty much ready for college)

so i just love watching them grow and learn about life. even though the ways in which we learn are less than fun sometimes. i am just proud and equally prayerful about their hearts and their ambitions.

prayer is so powerful. and i say that not only out of conviction but just like the man in the bible who asked for Jesus' healing---he says: Lord I believe...help my unbelief...Lord prayer is so powerful, help me see that it is powerful.

God is so big and so grand and so awesome. i see it all of the time. but does what i see actually sink deep into my soul?

these are good questions. questions i think we all ask in one form or another.

so as the great meg ryan said---goodnight dear void. hopefully someone is listening and if not...at least i am and the big man most def is.

love love

hallow hallow

so my cousin lauren damron brenkle

has inspired me to jump back into the blog world.

with facebook. email. work. school. i always found blogging a little narcissistic....

"hey i'm going to write all about me, me, me. then all of my friends who are bored
or have unfulfilled lives can read my blog and waste away their day reading about mine..."

this seemed a natural outlook when i was traveling in france....because people were asking, "what are you up to?" so i would
proceed their questions by blogging. but in the real world...who wants to blog???

oh how warped was my view.

yes people do waste their days on facebook, email and looking at blogs BUT that is not the point.

the point is expression and communication.

i want to express my days to the world and if i'm the only one who ever reads it...so be it.
but i also want to communicate and if my friends and family (one such lauren) also do this
THEN instead of a narcissistic past time i have joined in with a throng of people just wanting
to stay in touch and share ideas.

great concept if you ask me.

so here are my thoughts to the world. hopefully you do not disapprove of them.
and if you do then your loss.

with love and grace to you, from the great state of arkansas!
;)

carol