journaling

i journal.

writing my thoughts and emotions down helps me to process and hopefully better understand what is going on in my own head. many times God even speaks directly to me through what I am writing down. (which is crazy cool--but let's face it God is amazing)

I also really like journaling because I can go back and read things I was struggling with or revelations I have had and visibly see how much the Lord has grown me. i can visibly see how far he has brought me. It is awesome to see an entry that when it was written was so full of heartache and/or confusion but now as I look back I have an overwhelming sense of peace and confidence in the Lord because he has brought me through that circumstance and taught me through those thoughts.

He is so good. and the things that weigh so heavily on us today...when they are handed over to the Lord He is faithful to heal us. and teach us. even if at the time the weight is still felt. the pain is still fresh. God has taught me over and over again that He is greater and these things that hold so much meaning to us now will eventually cease to hurt. not because the significance of the events, thoughts, circumstances has faded but because God comes in and heals. Because He is greater.

there is a song by Chris Tomlin called "Our God is Greater" and the lyrics say:

"Our God is greater Our God is stronger.
God you are higher than any other.
Our God is healer. Awesome in power.
Our God Our God"

hmmmmm. i could just sing that all day long. God is in control. He is bigger than our circumstances and He is bigger than our hurt. Knowing and living in that truth does not mean your circumstance or hurt no longer matter...it means that you understand who matters more. and who is weeping and hurting with you. He is greater. He is healer and awesome in power.

I want to live my life walking in that truth.

here is a journal entry from last march 2009. a year ago. i am a completely different person. oh praise Him. and i hope that each year until I die I grow in the Lord. I never want to stop changing and becoming more like Jesus.

March 15, 2009

Honestly my plans for the future are just not happening for me right now.
They are not. And I have to accept that and live with it.
Not dwell on it.
Not ponder it.
Not try and figure it out because honestly it has little to do with me and who I am.
Because I am precious I am fearfully and wonderfully made. So. I wait. I wait upon the Lord I wait upon the Lord. Not in a manner of unquenchable anticipation where I am just looking around the corner. I am waiting and living and breathing and searching and enjoying life because God is alive and He is alive in me. That is the reason I live that is the reason I am here.
It is for his glory.
That’s it.
For his glory.
My worth is determined by Christ and his love Not by other’s words, decisions or opinions.



God has taught me peace. doesn't mean i always rest in it. he has taught me that my worth is found in Him and not in other people. my worth is not found even in good things like friends or a ministry. my worth is founded on Christ alone. this is a crazy concept for me. even if it seems like a duh to you. God is still teaching me. and i am glad of that.

hope you were encouraged.

i love you (whoever you are)

Letting HIS vision lead me.

i have been struggling, no more like wrestling, with the Lord lately about how involved do i need to be in planning my future?

profound question no? ;)

well if that does not make sense to you then maybe you haven't experienced this phenomenon, but basically what i am getting at is what roll, if any, do i play in the course of my future?

well here's what i've gotten from the Lord---He has a plan. and He is going to carry it out no matter what I do. He would prefer me to follow on His side of things, however He is going to do what He has planned. one proverb says, "many are the plans in a man's heart but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails"

basically what God has been revealing to me is that my little illusion of control is just that: an illusion. It is not real. Yes I obviously make decisions about my everyday life and even the direction my life takes (let us not get into the free will/God's will thing) however, if I desire to live a God LED life, I cannot be the one ultimately calling the shots....not even a little bit.

i want to make sure and get to know this person so i can have that connection so i can go to this school or this country....while making connections is not bad, what is my true motivation? is it my desires or the Lord's will?

some things God doesn't micromanage, He says: seek me, love me, and don't worry.

i feel as if i am rambling. hopefully you are understanding me. because sometimes i do not understand me. :)

if something is going to happen, it will happen. not because of my manipulation or contribution, but because of God's purpose and His divine will. How dare i think that my little manipulations control the outcome of an entire situation? not giving up my responsibility for my actions...but come on....sometimes we honestly make it worse when we get our hands in a situation.

hmmm....God is teaching me to lean on Him. Trust Him for my future. Trust Him for his direction. Trust Him for my spouse. Trust Him for my children. Trust Him. Trust Him and His vision---not my limited earthly perspective.

there is it....trust His vision and not my own. Let HIS vision lead me.

this verse is basically what settled my heart, it came up twice in one day. thank you Holy Spirit:

"Unless the Lord builds a house the work of the builders is wasted.
Unless the Lord protects a city guarding it with sentries will do no good.
It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat; for God gives rest to his loved one." --Psalm 127:1-2

God give me rest.

love to the cosmos. hope you were blessed.

heller

i haven't written in a while.

and while i do not believe that there is any particular person that has been disappointed in this fact (unless you frequently check my blog...you creeper you) it is none the less a personal disappointment because i enjoy putting my thoughts onto paper...or screen rather.

and i enjoy blogging many of these thoughts for the purpose of encouraging others around me and also to keep people updated on my goings on.

not that there are a lot of goings on but i do my best to keep busy. :)

so without further ado i have no profound thoughts or insights this morning (or maybe even ever) but i do have this one fact that has kept me going this semester.

God is there.

God is present and He is not going any where. while life is crazy and things pile up. and while life changes occur He is still there. His presence does not diminish the seriousness or sadness of some of our life situations--faith does not mean you are happily drugged and numb to the world all of the time--God's presence means hope.

hope for redemption (ultimately and in this world) and a hope in his promises and plans.

Hope.

God is there and He is bigger, He is better, and He is just amazing.

all we need is HIm (please sing to the tune of the beatles all you need is love)

well to all of you reading, but mostly to those of you who are not i send out a prayer to you: find Hope in God's promises. find comfort in His Holy Spirit and stop putting pressure on yourself to make things better or make yourself feel better. just give it to God. sit. wait. live.

kisses <><

"God's Purpose of Mine?"

SO there is this grand little book by Oswald Chambers called: "My Utmost for His Highest" and it is in a word phenomenal.

It is divided into daily readings and each reading is like BAH BAM in Yo FACE AWESOME! It is just jam packed with wisdom, revelation, and truth about God. Ah I encourage everyone and anyone to get this book and just revel in the awesomeness that God has communicated through Mr. Chambers.

One particular entry, from July 28, spoke directly to the experience that has been my summer. And if you have been following my blog....(yeah if you have been then I am impressed and love you and you must be a member of my family haha) but anyways if you have been following my blog you know that this summer has been very different for me; it has been a great growing experience, but very hard (fyi: most growth has a little pain along with it). SO when I read this particular entry from "My Utmost for His Highest" it just hit me right where I was at in my summer experience. It described what I was feeling and made me examine what I'd been learning....

SO please enjoy and be blessed by this revelation. love love:

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"He made His disciples get into the boat and go before Him to the other side..." (Mark 6:45)

'We tend to think that if Jesus Christ compels us to do something and we are obedient to Him, He will lead us to great success. We should never have the thought that our dreams of success are God's purpose for us. In fact, His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have the idea that God is leading us toward a particular end or a desired goal, but He is not. The question of whether or not we arrive at a particular goal is of little importance, and reaching it becomes merely an episode along the way. What we see as only the process of reaching a particular end, God sees as the goal itself.
What is my vision of God's purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish--His purpose is the process itself. What He desires for me is that I see "Him walking on the sea" with no shore, no success, nor goal in sight, but simply having the absolute certainty that everything is all right because I see "Him walking on the sea" (6:49). It is the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God.
God's training is for now, not later. His purpose is for this very minute, not for sometime in the future. We have nothing to do with what will follow our obedience, and we are wrong to concern ourselves with it. What people call preparation,
God sees as the goal itself.
God's purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now. If we have a further goal in mind, we are not paying enough attention to the present time. However, if we realize that moment-by-moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious.'

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ahhh yeah read that through once or twice more, it almost takes that many readings to really absorb all that is being said.

Even as I am typing it out, reading it again I am convicted. I focus so much on the future, and many of the things I focus on are good things, but even these good things can distract me from the now and what God is growing in me this very moment.

God says not even to worry about tomorrow, because it WILL TAKE CARE OF ITSELF. We are told to seek FIRST God's kingdom and HIS righteousness (Matt. 6:31-34). God and knowing Him has to be our goal: not the future, not college, not friends, not even family or even telling people about Christ. We FIRST have to live out and believe God's love in our own hearts, right now, before we can move onto anything else.

this ties into what God's been teaching me (see my last entry) about committing all of myself to Christ, even my emotions.

So keep going, pursue God and His love for you now this second. Don't get caught up in the "what's next" but just enjoy the "what's now". (the quotes were cheesy but so true!)

ah sorry a lot of words, a lot of thoughts, but i pray you were blessed.

with love.
writing from the journey called life.

<>< Caroline